I am sorry if this post breaks guidelines. I did my most effective to verify it for spelling and choose a superior flair. Just let me know if I have to have to adjust something.
TLDR – I really feel like I can not leave my girlfriend simply because I am indebted to her and worry causing her harm.
I’ve been going in circles for years. Involving telling myself to suck it up, to sleeping in the spare bedroom and crying on a evening.
It really is been 1 of these days right now.
I never know what to do, simply because in no attainable circumstance am I going to be satisfied.
The trigger was taking my girlfriend out for a date evening. She cried final week simply because her buddies have been as well busy to hang out on a weekday. She only has two suitable now and 1 lives ~100 miles away, the other lives two doors down. I know that in these conditions becoming a superior listener. But I felt depressed and right after two hours, I told her that she had to attempt do some thing about it. I cannot absorb damaging power all the time. She began reeling off factors why she cannot make buddies. Clubs are as well loud, she does not like alcohol, she’s not into pop music, and so forth.
I caved and stated I’d take her out on my subsequent day off to make her really feel far better. This was a undesirable notion for several factors. Revenue is tight and I have perform to do for my masters degree. I am also burned out from functioning as well substantially for the previous year. She enjoyed the evening but I cannot shake this feeling of disappointment. I really feel like a bastard for not returning her feelings. I know I am carrying out this simply because SHE desires it. But I cannot bring myself to result in her any harm.
Issues have been in particular undesirable for her and she’s required a lot of care and support for the previous handful of years. I in fact planned to break up with her about five years ago. A key occasion fully shook her household, so I postponed it. I did not want to be that evil guy who dumps a girl when she’s down. Then she lost her job so I let her move in with me. She created cancer, so I place it off once more.
…and right here we are.
The point is, she is not the very same lady I loved. We met when we have been incredibly young and had distinct ideals. We have been buddies and need to have stayed that way. I had no ambition in life. Drank alcohol casually, smoked weed recreationally. I did not care for a extended term overall health situation I’ve had for my entire life. I got my shit in order (job, degree, overall health) simply because life is far better that way. She was the accountable 1 (sort of). She wanted us to have extra and wanted me to obtain extra. She saved my life when complications of my overall health practically killed me. For the reason that of that, I really feel like I owe her a life-debt.
But now she’s fat, lazy and antisocial. She refuses to get support for depression. She refuses to appear right after her overall health in spite of what occurred. Regardless of my help and encouragement, she never ever sticks at something. She smokes weed each day, which tends to make it not possible to have adult conversations with her. She cannot even choose up her personal laundry or wash her dishes.
She can be caring and nurturing. But she also has a tendency to anticipate points in return for carrying out unasked favours. She does not communicate these expectations, receiving depressed when they go un-returned. For instance, she will surprise me with meals and anticipate me to do some thing in return. I will discover out right after she throws a tantrum a week later that she anticipated me to offer you to do some thing like go to the shop for her in return.
I identified out two years ago that she’d taken out payday loans and owed a substantial quantity of dollars. Idiot me paid it off for her there and then on the agreement that she pays me back. I knew I’d never ever see the dollars, in spite of her earning the very same as I do.
Every thing adult is my duty. She just desires to spend her half of the rent into a bank account and reside like flatmates with added benefits. She does not want to get married, have children, personal a residence, get a superior job or something adult. She’s just stuck in the previous. She nevertheless has face piercings and refuses to get a job that demands her to take them out.
Earlier this year, I told her that I wasn’t in really like with her any longer. That we required to believe about creating plans to move into separate living arrangements. She did not want to separate at all and told me I was “not providing really like a possibility”. I moved into the spare bedroom and told her that we will not be intimate any extra. She created threats of suicide. She sooner or later calmed down and more than the subsequent handful of days, started to act like nothing at all had changed. She would make telephone calls and mention “my companion” or “my boyfriend” loudly adequate for me to hear. She would invite her buddies round to hang out and insist on becoming in the very same area as me. At evening she’d randomly burst into tears. Ultimately, I caved in simply because the guilt was crushing me.
There is extra, but I really feel like I am painting her out to be a monster. She is nothing at all of the sort. She is a sweet lady with a superior heart. I really like her as a particular person and want her to be satisfied. But, I am completed. I have been for years. I cannot be satisfied simply because it comes at her expense. I can only make her satisfied at my expense. In reality, I never believe either of us are satisfied.
However I Can’t leave her. I can not break her heart right after the points she did for me in the previous. I cannot be the evil man who hurts a lady like that. We’ve been with each other so extended, I really feel like I will created out to be evil for this. I want we could component amicably right after an adult discussion, but this has not been attainable. I’ve provided to go to couples counselling but she refuses. I genuinely never believe I can watch her consume and smoke herself into an early grave.
Now, I discover myself secretly lusting other ladies. At 1st, I fantasise about becoming in a position to have sex with a lady who has the power to go for extra than five minutes, who’s interested in extra than missionary with occasional foreplay. I fantasise about getting a girlfriend who can place her dishes in the sink. Who does not leave a dirty bong on the table in view of the entire street. I fantasise about coming property from perform and not getting to move pizza boxes off of my bed.
I finish up beating myself up for these thoughts. I really feel evil for getting these thoughts. That they show how selfish and pathetic I am. I am deeply ashamed for this side of me and I want I could reduce it out of me.
Genuinely, I just want assistance. I know I am not pondering straight and I have to have somebody impartial to sort via the mental static and show me what I maintain missing.