I (F 23) have been seeing this guy (M 19) for a year and a half. For the whole time we acted like a couple due to the fact we liked each and every other. Final month we began officially dating. I spent an astounding week with him, we have been each incredibly content. I had to go back to France for perform. We kissed and hugged for a lengthy time just before we say goodbye. Told each and every other I appreciate you. Two days following that, at evening I began more than pondering and asking yourself if I was ever adequate and if I deserved him. I have trust concerns due to my previous partnership. I began crying and pondering it was superior for us to break up. So I referred to as him and told him we must stay mates. I did not clarify why due to the fact I was ashamed. I believed he would ask why. He did not, he told me he was sad and did not want it to finish like this then went quiet. At that moment, I broke a thing. His trust and heart. He was incredibly content with me, I know when we began dating, he just wanted a thing steady due to the fact he was scared to get hurt and I hear that. I have an understanding of, I am the similar. Right after that, I began becoming angry at him for the complete week. Told him he does not show that he cares,that he is supposed to beg. Yeah I was fucked up. I acted like a disgusting piece of shit. Self entitled bitch, manipulative and emotionally abusive. I did not know that. It is only now that I identified out about my shitty behavior. And I changed. All that changed me for the finest. I hate myself but I have to forgive myself, I am conscious.

Right after this, he told me he was more than, carried out forever. Told me he hates me a lot more than I could ever know and that he desires me gone forever. I attempted to remain away but I could not. I cried, begged, apologized more than and more than, I wrote letters. I wanted to save us, what we had. Since we have been fucking content, we had no concerns in the partnership. But I fucked due to the fact of my insecurities and let him down a single evening. That was the finish.

I know what you are going to say : respect his choice. Leave him be, come across a person else, move on, you just need to have time.

No. I know he is scared. To get hurt. It tends to make fucking sense. I know he protects himself from me. He in all probability thinks this would take place once again. But it would not. I take into account him now. I never only see myself. I employed to. That shit is more than. If he just stated “yes let’s get back with each other” oh boy I’d make him the happiest. I would do something. I know I sound desperate, but I am just in appreciate. Do not contact me delusional, I am a fighter.

He does not want to stay mates at all. I am heart broken due to the fact I KNOW for a reality, that we can be content. I am angry, I am sad. If I had to wait months ot years till he healed, I would. But he stated “in no way once again” And I think him. I am scared. I never want any individual else. I have suicidal thoughts due to the fact I assume I am worthless if I cannot make the ones I appreciate content. I cannot reside with the reality that I had him appreciate me, and hurt him to the point he avoids me.

Does he need to have time? Can I repair my blunders? Will he let me someday? Do I have to move on and kms? 1 final issue, I was his 1st girlfriend.

TLDR : My ex says he hates me and desires me gone, I never know what to do any longer but I never wanna let go forever. I am lost.