I [27f] have been in denial about my dad [57m] for years, and do not know what to do now. : relationships


I am certain this will be lengthy, but I want to deliver as a great deal context as feasible.

My dad is 57 and even though i’ve normally viewed him as possessing his personal concerns, I’ve normally justified his concerns primarily based on his childhood. He was quite badly abused by his mom, his dad getting one particular of his only allies, who passed away extremely young.

His trauma (from what I can inform) manifests itself as extreme depression and anger. He will be fine and satisfied one particular minute, and in a match of rage the subsequent – these outbursts are by all definitions irrational. An instance would be him getting excited to get a package in the mail, opening that package to see the incorrect item had arrived. Undoubtedly this is disappointing, but for him, he will throw the box on the ground and storm about the residence declaring how it is ‘f—– bullsh–“. He performs on automobiles, and has had to cease carrying out it for spend since he will actually just begin breaking elements on other folks automobiles when he begins to get angry. He has triggered hundreds of dollars in harm on my vehicle in his fits of anger and would demand I spend for the repairs.

Due to the fact I was young, he has been deeply vital of me and my siblings. Practically nothing we ever do has been great adequate – his criticisms will frequently sound like this:

“You are so irresponsible! I cannot ever count on you for something! You are so fucking stupid! You are so lazy. Why do not you ever get off your lazy ass and do a thing?!’

My siblings and I are 31, 27 and 19 – we’re all college attendees/graduates, we all have wonderful jobs, we are all financially safe – but we all have concerns that stem from our dad’s abuse. We are all extremely incapable of forgiving ourselves. We weren’t truly permitted to make blunders, so when we do, we hyper-fixate on them to the point of driving ourselves crazy.

A single of the weirder methods this has manifested itself is our father is a mechanic by trade, and he will make wonderful conflict if we place also several miles on our automobiles. The arguments more than this got so wonderful that I stopped possessing him operate on my vehicle four years ago and purchased a newer vehicle so I would not need to have it worked on as regularly. He will nonetheless attempt and verify the mileage on our automobiles and come down on us extremely tough if it exceeds 250/week. I get exceptionally anxious and stressed if I place a lot of miles on my vehicle, frequently panicking about the possibility of my vehicle breaking down and what i will do if that occurs. This is irrational as I make wonderful dollars and paying for vehicle repairs is not a concern.

Probably the hardest point to speak about it situations of what I view as perversion from my dad towards me as a kid. There was never ever assault or molestation, but there have been various situations of my dad “Accidentally” exposing himself to me. Becoming in his underwear and scratching at himself and then his underwear accidentally falling down for instance. My dad was normally extremely obsessed with how I looked, what i wore, and how I presented myself to the planet. I normally believed this was just ~dads getting dads~ but as i’ve gotten older it appears a tiny weird.

As an aside, my dad is extremely vital of my mother’s look. He speaks frequently of how gorgeous she was when he met her, and how she is just fat and ugly now. How she’d be so a great deal superior if she’d just shed weight. He verbalizes this to her face. My mom attempted to leave him about 20 years ago now, and it did not operate or go nicely. To this day, he nonetheless mentions it in passing to us and how hurt he is by it. They went to counseling and every thing, even. This has created me terrified of having married, possessing children, or ever gaining weight since guys will not uncover me desirable. I think if I ever do get married and have children, I ought to just count on my husband will not be attracted to me any longer. I have struggled immensely with self-esteem and self-worth since of all of this.

My dad is also addicted heavily to tramadol which he has been prescribed for more than 20 years since of a botched back surgery and refuses to get off it. He refuses to consume something of any nutrition his diet plan consists solely of hamburgers, hot dogs, and pizza. He will throw a literal temper tantrum at my mom if she tends to make something he does not like.

I am out on my personal and do not truly see my parents a great deal any longer, but the residual shit exists. Why i am posting this now, is i’ve normally forgiven my father’s concerns since I viewed him as the victim of abuse. But now that i am attempting to deal with my personal concerns and i am realizing it really is possibly not my burden to bear, and i am feeling exceptionally angry at how his abuses have carried more than onto me. I began a new job five weeks ago, and it really is a massive deal (i am speaking hitting my profession targets a great deal earlier than I anticipated) and i am realizing how a great deal this impacts me each and every single day.

I am my personal person and I am taking care of and defending myself, but it really is turn into extremely tough to ignore the influence it has on my family members unit as a complete. We have no extended family members relationships since my dad does not like to go out. My mom is a prisoner in her personal dwelling since she is each terrified to leave my dad, but also tied to living day in and day out as his sole caretaker. My 19 year old brother nonetheless lives with them and I see a previously satisfied go-fortunate kid falling into depression and experiencing the similar types of odd anxieties I reside with. I could create an whole post committed to my mom and dad’s dynamic.

I want to figure out methods to squash this. I want to figure out tactics to beat him. I want to have interventions, I want to deliver sources to my family members to support them comprehend this is not regular. I want to rebuild my family members dynamic and I have no concept exactly where to begin. Any sources, any opinions, any hyperlinks, articles, solutions, suggestions… something

TLDR: My dad is a toxic and abusive human getting who has wreaked havoc upon my family members and I want to begin the approach of assisting my family members and rebuilding some sort of base. I have no concept exactly where to begin.


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