I was in Romania for 10 days visiting my friends and family
and I have returned to England with a heavy heart, feeling a little lost as one
is prone to feel when one is torn in half with the inability to be in two
places at once and be two different versions of you at once.
event and after that encounter I feel completely disconnected from everything I
knew before the encounter. If I haven’t mentioned it before, ahm… I have issues
(more than a Vogue magazine). Anyway, because I know myself, I am prepared for
times like this. You see, I have a habit of recording everything I live or feel
or inspires me since I was about 14. Why? For such a time as this. For times
when I feel misplaced or just off somehow. Then I can just pick up one of my
journals or inspirational things I’ve written and remember.
This was the case today. I felt like my soul was yelling at
me “Enough already!” So because I don’t want an internal war I was like, “Ok,
let’s do this!” and proceeded to pick up this little notebook where I would
just scribble down any little fact I read that had an impact on me. It’s a disaster
really, because I recorded everything from the greatest rabbis to anime
characters with awesome lines; from Seneca to lyrics to Avril Lavigne’
songs. Basically, it’s all over the place.
Among all the many quotes I have in there, the one I will
mention is one by Tzvi Freeman and it says:
“Despair is the ultimate form of self-worship—the perception
that you have the capacity to truly mess up, to take the world’s destiny out of
its Creator’s hands and sabotage His plans.
Know that the world is in a constant state of elevation,
rocketing upwards towards its ultimate wholeness at every moment. Every
quivering of every leaf, every subtle breeze, every slightest motion of any
particle of our universe is another move in that same direction. Even those
events that seem to thrust downward are in truth only a part of the ascent—like
the poise of an athlete before he leaps, the contraction of a spring before its
energy is released.
There is not a thing you could do to halt that dynamic even
for a moment. True, you must take responsibility for your deeds, and work hard,
very hard, to clean up your own mess. But when all the dust settles, you are
exactly in the space where you were meant to be: One step closer.”
I know it would be so much easier to have the plan all laid
out, like a project for a house that you can look at when the mess of the
construction site makes you doubt there is an end to all that dust and clutter.
But I don’t have the plan, only the Architect of my life’s plan. When in doubt,
I need to look at Him and trust like a child, because all knowledge and
maturity flies out the window and all you have is a reassuring smile that
whispers from every page of The Book “I’ve got this! Just trust Me.” And I do,
because the option is to despair and I can’t afford to do that. So I’ll trust
in You, not because I need to stay positive, but because You have never failed
me HaShem. Not once. I’ve checked. You’re worthy! Even of my insignificant
Bat Melech בת מלך