Trading fasting and prayer for chocolate and honesty – what saved me (and my sanity) – just a jesus follower

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Joy and happiness are difficult factors. They sound the similar, but in the circles I come from, joy is a prize to be won and happiness is a thing you steer clear of (since happiness comes from the globe and joy comes from Jesus….oy)

 

Properly, let me just say, I lived a lot of years royally unhappy.

 

Like, crying, fasting, praying – much more crying, much more fasting, much more praying. All for my situations to alter. For persons to be a thing they weren’t. For me to be a person I wasn’t. And for all the messy factors in my life to match into a neatly ordered box (packed, shipped and labeled straight from Amazon – eh, I imply, the Bible).

 

I create this not from a sarcastic location, but rather from an sincere location. A single that I was deeply invested in and committed to. Like a lot of, my repetitive prayers and pleas have been constructed on my hope for factors to alter – my belief that it would all get improved.

 

But in performing this, I was escaping reality. Avoiding the reality of my situations, my alternatives and the persons in my life – covering it all up with verses and organized prayer. Mainly because as significantly as I wanted to think it would all get better….my life was deeply fractured and broken.

 

Here’s the deal:

 

A individual can say more than and more than once more that they do not have a broken arm. They can ignore the cast, the writhing discomfort and the truth that their arm does not function adequately and they may possibly truly think it for a time. But, ultimately they will attempt to use their arm and understand it is nevertheless broken.

 

A lot of my life was spent that way.

 

Nevertheless, life ultimately pulled my head out of the sand and forced me to admit a thing wasn’t operating. Anything was terribly incorrect.

 

It is a lot like this: picture a vast beach with lots of persons digging in the sand. Everybody is telling you that if you dig with 1 + 1 you will uncover a two. You dig into the sand just like you are told, expecting to pull up a two, but rather you pull up a . Deciding that possibly you are performing it incorrect, you commence digging once more. Nevertheless you uncover a . You shame oneself, beat oneself and lecture oneself determined that YOU need to be the issue. More than and more than once more you continue to dig and continue to obtain 0’s.

 

Exhausted, you sit back and observe these about you to see what (if something) you can understand. But, significantly to your surprise, they are not digging up 2’s either. Most of them have stopped all with each other rather, they are desperately attempting to develop 2’s themselves. Some are writing 2’s in the sand with sticks, other individuals are developing the image of a two with rocks and pebbles, whilst their neighbors are all as well busy covering up their 0’s in shame.

 

This was me.

 

When I realized it wasn’t operating for me or for anybody else I knew, I grabbed my courage and waved my for all to see. I believed my honesty would encourage other individuals to be sincere as well…but, that was not the case.

 

Alternatively, they hurried their hands quicker, demanding that the sticks they have been holding have been actual 2’s. Other people shamed me. Some refused to acknowledge me. And then other individuals attempted to run me off that beach so speedy, that you would have believed I held up a Rob Bell book at a Baptist seminary convention.

 

The factor is even though, when you see you cannot unsee. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a the complete time. It was that I had been taught to not acknowledge it. I was taught to “in faith” inform it to be a two.

 

For me, my represented a lot of factors. For some it is an addiction, a terrible connection, a crumbling marriage, an affair, an consuming disorder, a mental illness, sexual orientation or a economic problem. It can be just about something.

 

But, the issue is not that you are pulling a – it is that you are pretending it is a thing it is not.

 

A single of my favored mantras I have embraced is, honesty. This does not imply that I inform everybody, anything. But, it does imply that I am sincere with myself. It indicates I have the duty to care for that honesty and do suitable by it. It indicates I do not have the alternative of hiding from it, ignoring it or pretending it is not there. It indicates I have to dig into it, unearth it and truly appear at it. It indicates I need to accept it and make a decision what to do with the reality of what it is.

 

This is not a thing that is frequently performed inside of Christianity – at least, not as a entire. But, for me, I could not reside that way any longer. I had to be genuine with myself and surround myself with other individuals I could be genuine with as nicely.

 

I gradually let myself unravel.

 

Unravelling is under no circumstances straightforward. It is frequently painful, tough and lonely. But, years and years of religiosity necessary to be undone. Loads of denial and discomfort necessary to be dealt with. And, most importantly, I necessary to obtain joy – genuine joy. The joy that comes from getting absolutely free.

 

Factors in my life definitely changed.

 

I let go of fasting and embraced consuming chocolate cake (like the produced from scratch sort. Holy mother of pearl). I traded an unhappy marriage for two satisfied residences. I stopped getting a doormat of “turning the other cheek” and began standing up for myself. I quit saying “thank you” everytime my heart hurt and rather dropped loads of swear words (do not judge. It is extremely therapeutic). I traded hours of crying to worship music, for ridiculously entertaining dance parties in the kitchen with my children (they say I cannot dance – whatev. This momma nevertheless has some moves). I have selected to surround myself with what I truly, truly want rather of what I was told I to have.

 

I’m not saying that fasting is incorrect or that prayer/worship is unnecessary. But, for me, this practice became much more about an idolatry of what I believed God was supposed to do, rather than positioning myself to be open to the wild, unorthodox, out-of-the-box life the Divine had for me rather.

 

I cannot say my life is fantastic. But, I can honestly say that I laugh a lot much more. My residence is complete of joy and sincere conversations. I am absolutely free to be genuine and these about me are genuine as well – what ever it appears like for them. It is actually a lovely factor.

 

I cannot inform you that your image fantastic concept of what your life should really be is going to come about – but, what I can inform you, is that letting go of that fantastic image may be the initially step into the life you truly truly want. A single complete of happiness, joy and correct freedom.

 

Hugs,

 

Anna

 

 

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