How To Comfort A person (or how not to) – SolvingMe


I’m sad to say this.

I haven’t figured out how to comfort a person who is crying.

One particular of the largest fears I have is a person crying to me.

As in complete on tears, balling.

Is not that so weird?

For a person who writes a weblog about feelings and coaches other people on them, you’d consider I would be completely comfy with tears.

But no, I’m not.

I grew up in a household exactly where tears have been not okay.

You got in additional difficulty if you cried also extended.

So we learnt to retain it in.

And release them privately.

This is prevalent in a lot of cultures.

More than time, I learnt to retain feelings inside.

I now see this as becoming each a good and a adverse trait.

Good in the sense that I learnt to self cope.

Deal with feelings on my personal.

There’s a lot of independence one particular gets from relying on oneself to cope.

Even now, if I’m struggling with one thing, I will normally ruminate on it myself.

And only speak about it as soon as I’m no longer emotional.

When I discover a option or lead to.

This has made self sufficiency that I appreciate.

But it is also made a divide.

A divide amongst these that are self adequate and these that appear for other people to make them really feel improved.

Emotional dependents I get in touch with them.

These other people, like my boyfriend Damien – could have had a parent soothe them if they have been unhappy as a youngster.

They could have had a parent bribe them into feeling improved or show them in some way that the tears are cared for and loved.

That probably their tears are a sign to make them really feel improved.

As adults, emotional dependents will appear for their companion to make them really feel improved and validate their globe, just like their parents did.

Fair sufficient.

They normally see self-adequate men and women as in some cases becoming emotionally unavailable or cruel.

I have an understanding of why.

There have been lots of occasions I’ve stood awkwardly when I knew I need to hug and make a person really feel improved.

Quite a few occasions exactly where I have felt confusion as to what to do – normally causing me to do the incorrect factor.

Most of the time I hope to be about other people who know specifically what to do so I can comply with along.

It is a weird dynamic when self adequate and emotional dependents date, which happens normally.

A lot of friction has been triggered in my connection with Damien.

He’s normally felt like I do not care.

I’ve had to discover more than the years to get improved at hugging and listening – even if I do not know what to say or do.

People today that haven’t learnt to be self reliant largely do not have an understanding of self reliance and how it performs.

Even as I’m saying the word ‘self reliance’, I really feel like I’m providing it a additional good connotation than emotional dependence.

This is not accurate.

I’m saying I wasn’t permitted to cry so I learnt not to.

By finding out not to cry, I do not know how to enable a person to cry.

To be there for them.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know what to say.

So all I can do is attempt.

To show up and hope this is what men and women will need – since I do not recall the practical experience of becoming soothed myself.

I suppose that is all men and women want to really feel – that someone’s there for them.

And that is okay.

This is the only way I know how to comfort a person.

More than time as I enable other people to cry, probably I can discover to rely emotionally on these close to me.

Mainly because this I think about is what they crave.

To be there for me.

And for me to be there for them.

I’m attempting to figure out what’s improved.

What’s healthier.

To be self-reliant?

Or to be in a position to rely on these close to you to be there when you will need them?

I’d say the answer is a bit of each.

Self reliance and emotional dependence are each destructive in it is personal way.

Getting a balance of each is exactly where it is at.

I see that now.


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